Familiar
by Lioness Black
Summary: [slash. oneshot.] Mark goes to visit Roger in Santa Fe.


Title: Familiar   
Author: Lioness Black   
Rating: PG-13/T (probably too high, but one F-bomb makes me keep it)  
Disclaimer: Not mine. Just good fun.  
Summary: Mark goes to visit Roger in Santa Fe.

* * *

"Another day in paradise," Roger muttered in half sarcasm. One of the bright sides to living in Santa Fe was the welcome of a cold shower on December first. He would never have gotten that in the alphabet city.

Playing guitar on the streets and working the occasional shift at the gas station next to his temporary housing apartment scraped him enough to pay for the rent and a daily meal. Barely.

Spending money on something silly like hot water? Unlikely. Not when it was eighty degrees outside.

He got out of the shower to hear the sound of someone knocking on the door. A streak of panic hit, but then he realized that he had paid the rent. It wasn't the landlord asking for money. Better than that, it wasn't going to be Benny.

Roger wrapped a towel around his waist and went for the door. He had a passing thought of pants, but the knocking seemed urgent. He opened the door and stared in disbelief.

"What are you doing here?" he asked.

"I had to see... make sure you were okay," Mark replied.

"Yeah, I... wow. Just, uh... get in here!" Roger took him by the arm and pulled him into the apartment. Before letting go, he pulled Mark into a hug. "God, it's good to see you!"

"Nice, uh..." Mark looked around the bland furniture. It was better furnished that his (_their_) apartment back in New York, but it was so... generic. So unlike Roger.

"Yeah," Roger said. "Let me go get dressed. Sit down or something."

Mark sat, after tossing his unneeded coat next to him, and found the couch even less inviting than it first seemed. Despite the underwhelming apartment, he could see signs of Roger. The guitar case in the corner, the guitar next to an overstuffed chair. A half empty beer bottle on the table next to an empty one. Roger never finished two, not when he was drinking alone. His jacket was draped across the back of a chair. Those things felt startlingly familiar, especially when he had been gone for so long.

Had it only been a month?

Roger walked back into the room wearing jeans and a button up shirt, buttoned only halfway up. His feet were bare and his hair was still wet.

"I guess you're still working at Buzzline."

Mark cringed. "Don't remind me."

He laughed. "I just mean that you probably couldn't afford to come out here any other way. How's the movie going?"

"Ugh."

"Okay. How's everyone?"

Mark took that as "how's Mimi," and honestly, he had no idea. He hadn't seen Mimi since Angel's funeral, but had heard the coughing from the fire escape.

"Okay, as far as I know," he replied. "I'm busy."

"But you're still Maureen's bitch, right?"

"No! I'm totally over that. It's not even an issue. I'm completely- yes." He dropped his head dejectedly.

Roger laughed again. He sat down next to Mark on the couch and tossed an arm around his shoulders. "You and Maureen are like-"

"No," Mark said. "We're not talking about this."

"You and Maureen-"

"I came out here to talk about you."

Roger stopped joking around. "I'm sorry about what I said."

"What you said?"

"Before I left. At the funeral? I shouldn't have said those things about you."

"Oh, that. I wasn't even thinking about that."

"I've been thinking about it a lot."

Mark shook his head. "It was a difficult time. For all of us."

"Doesn't make it right. I've been thinking about that day a lot. How's Collins?"

"He hasn't been around. Probably won't be until Christmas. Like usual."

"That's right..." Roger trailed off. "Being out here. It's... it's what he always wanted. For him and Angel. This was going to be their freedom."

"Has it been freedom for you?"

"No, not really. Any peace I should have had from being away from the city, my own head. Just kills it. Mimi, Angel, you. All of it. And stupid, fucking Benny."

"He's not the devil, Roger."

"He's not our friend anymore, either."

"No, he's not. He hasn't been for a long time."

Roger dropped his head onto Mark's shoulder. "I can't go back. I can't face her. She's been right about me. I was right about her too. I shouldn't have even gotten involved."

"Is this better? Running away? Life without Mimi? Yeah, relationships are hard, but... they're worth it."

"You'd know," Roger said.

"Don't be sarcastic," Mark snapped.

"Sorry. I just don't think getting relationship advice from the guy who goes schoolboy every time his lesbian ex-girlfriend touches him."

"Maureen is bisexual. Maureen is anything-sexual. Did you know that she was pregnant?"

"What?" Roger sat up straight and pulled his arm back. "When?"

"Last year. When we were still dating." Mark laughed humorlessly. "It, you know, probably wasn't even mine." He laughed again. "But I was the one who walked her to the clinic. I was the one who stayed with her. She probably didn't even want me there. It's no wonder. No wonder she left me for a woman. I mean, Joanne's great, we're friends now... or something. Joanne had a better sense of control over Maureen, but... who was it she called when she needed something? Dependable old Mark. The sucker."

"Oh, man." Roger wrapped his arms around Mark's shoulders. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"She didn't want anyone to know. She didn't want anyone trying to convince her not to go through with it. It was even an accident that I found out. I was the worst one to find out. God knows the idea of having a... it wasn't really practical. I knew that. We didn't have the money, and Maureen... as a mom? No. But..."

"That's everything you wanted," Roger said. "A family. Maureen."

Mark's hand reached up to where Roger's arms were still around him. He held onto his arm. "Sometimes when I look at her, I just see everything that could have been. But we both know how that would have ended. I'd be stuck at the apartment, a bottle in one hand, a diaper in the other, wondering where the hell she is at four in the morning. Maureen isn't really worth it. My head knows that. But damn."

"You're head doesn't always know what's best, Mark."

He looked down, his nose nearly touching Roger's. "Neither does yours."

They stared at each other like that for a moment. It was unclear which one of them moved forward first, just enough for their lips to touch.

Mark watched Roger's eyes flutter closed for a moment, and then open, as if he had just realized what was happening.

Neither of them said anything. They stared at each other. Eyes still open, they kissed again, this time allowing it.

Mark pulled away. "Roger, I-"

Roger didn't listen. He kissed him again. Mark felt Roger's tongue against his, and despite the strange sensation of kissing his best friend (or maybe it was how_ into it _Roger was), he had to admit, it wasn't terrible.

But it wasn't right. Not really. He knew he couldn't go back after this and face everyone. Roger could hide here, but he had to go back and possibly face Mimi. That would certainly go over well. "Hey, Mimi, long time no see, kissed your boyfriend." Yeah. Right.

God, Maureen would _love_ this if she found out.

Of course, Angel would have been the only one who would have not only guessed, but have had the gall to ask if they had made out.

For a moment Mark thought it might be odd, having all of this inner commentary while he was kissing someone, but it was sort of what he had always done. This wasn't average either. This was something terribly new.

What was probably the most disturbing of all, was how familiar it felt. Being here, with Roger, it was almost like they were home, and nothing had changed. Kissing Roger felt comforting. There had to be something seriously wrong with that, right?

"Roger," Mark said.

Roger pulled away this time. "I just don't, uh. I can't, I'm... yeah."

"That didn't make any sense."

"Okay, good."

"It's okay," Mark said. "This was... it was okay."

"It's been a while," Roger said. "I don't see the same people two days in a row."

"I don't either, really. That's, that's why you have to come back. This isn't you, Roger. This is... we need you. _I_ need you. That's why I came out here. To bring you home."

"Mark-"

"If this is all about Mimi, then you need to face that, Roger. I know you love her. You wouldn't have left if you didn't."

"If I could just get away... maybe it wouldn't hurt so bad. That she wouldn't change, no matter what. She _knows_ it's killing her. You're the one constant in my life and I almost screwed that up too. Why aren't I in love with you, Mark?"

They were silent for a long moment, and Roger continued.

"We could be the most functional couple ever. We already are. Do you realize that? No Mimi, no Maureen. Women are the problem. They suck us in with all their wit and beauty, and then we become slaves to them. We could just stay here. You could stay here with me."

"I have a job," Mark said.

"You could get one out here."

"Not in my field. I couldn't finish my movie, it's about New York. Besides, we both know that... this was a one time thing."

"How long are you staying?" Roger asked.

"Until tomorrow."

"Santa Fe is freedom. That's all it represents in my mind. That's what it was to Collins... and Angel. And now... that's what it is to me."

Mark paused. He wasn't sure where this was going.

"One night. Then it's over."

"And you'll come home?"

Roger averted his eyes. "I can't. Mark, it's just too hard."

"Then I can't stay. I would sleep with you, if it meant you'd come home. But it really wouldn't be worth it. I can't bargain you back. If you want to come back, you'll do it in your own time. I get that now."

"It's not that. It's just-"

"Mimi, I get it. Why are you so afraid? Why are you willing to love me, but not her?"

"It's not that easy."

Mark felt like he was going to cry. He hated to see Roger resist something, someone, who was so good for him. Despite all of Mimi's flaws, and all of their troubles, they really were a great couple. He really hated seeing Roger resist something he would kill to have.

He could have it. He could have it right there, with Roger. No more dysfunctional relationship with Maureen, no more seeing everyone around him loved, or have been loved. He wouldn't have to be alone anymore.

But it wasn't right. It wouldn't ever be right.

He stood up. He grabbed his jacket. "It's not exactly scarf weather here, is it?"

"No," Roger said softly. "It never is."

Mark leaned over and kissed Roger one last time. Roger's hand held onto his face, as if he were slipping away.

Faces still close, Mark whispered, "It's only freedom if you've been in chains. And you never were."

"In my own time," Roger said. "Is that good enough for you?"

"I should go."

"Don't."

"Roger, you ran and I followed. If this is making you happy, then don't ever stop doing it. But I know it's not. This can't make you happy. I couldn't make you happy, not the way she can."

"I know," he replied.

Mark sighed. "Don't run away again. At least stay here where we can find you."

"Don't bring her out here," Roger said. "Santa Fe is for you and me. You got that?"

"I got that." He smiled. "I'll see you, Roger. Soon, okay?"

"Stay the night."

"Soon." Mark walked for the door. He paused and turned to Roger. "You're taking your AZT, right?"

Roger smiled. Familiar. "Yeah. I'll get right on that."

Mark left. Roger better come home, he thought. I don't think I could resist again.


End file.
